Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in mr_nikolai's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, February 23rd, 2008
10:16 pm	Sound of dust being blown off "Post an entry.  Last updated 76 weeks ago." And wasn't I a morose old sot back then?  I've just looked back at a couple of more recent entries - i really was all over the place.  So in a spirit of renewal and forging ahead-ness, I intend to present a brief summary of the past year and a half. I survived working at the school for the full year, despite feeling by the first half-term break that I'd never make it to christmas alive.  It's cliched to say that it was rewarding but  it truly was,  though I'm not sure that 'rewarding' makes up for the stress of it.  I'm glad i did it (not least for the pay!) but I don't intend to take up teaching as a career any time soon. My cousin married in October 06.  She found herself a fella who, it transpires, went to the same university as my parents.  My train breaking down meant that I arrived in King's Cross just as the ceremony was due to start (though true to form, the bride was perilously late) and I made it off the Northern line an hour later, just in time to see the end of the formal photos being taken.  Still, there are apparently many shots of me from the reception, probably because I was the only one in attendance wearing a kilt.  I entirely failed to get anywhere with the terribly pretty photographer.  I guess she doesn't like her men to be wearing skirts as well.  Any rate, my cousin is presently expecting her first child, due I think in April. I kept going with the salsa.  When the pre-intermediate class closed down I was able to wangle my way up into intermediates proper.  And I'm ridiculously proud to say that January of last year saw me bumped up to actually teaching it!  My heart was already in my mouth on the evening that the instructors sidled up and announced that they'd been talking about me.  It was before the classes had started and at the time I'd been dancing with a woman whom I'd been texting all the day before.  It was maybe the start of a wild fling or something longer (the latter as it turned out).  The hitch was that she was married and wanted to keep things on the quiet.  Yes, i know; I'm a baaaad little boy.  I was nervous as hell already, so imagine my horror when Alan and Patti came over to declare that, "We've been talking about you two..."!  They wanted us to teach together and I nearly collapsed from relief.  The 'together' bit never really happened, with time observing the current teaching crop and training weekends, but that's a whole other can of worms that have long since wriggled off into the sunset so I'll leave them be.  There was a show as well, fairly early on.  I forget when exactly.  It was just a blur of trying to learn the routine by watching a recording of earlier rehearsals.  I think we had two and a half weeks to get that ready in time.  Keep trying to get the footage of the performance itself but no luck yet. But perhaps the biggest news is that I was accepted into university.  That's right, I write to you from sunny Swansea, in my first year of a degree course in civil engineering.  I call it sunny but it's been raining all day in this green and pleasant land.  I got the results back from my January exams and I've passed all six of my modules, even getting first-quality scores in half of them! Over all, life is going well.  It feels great to be back on track, working towards something again (plus actually doing well at it for a change!). I'll sign off now before I break my promise of a brief entry, take care all Wes hal Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: pop playing across the street (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, September 8th, 2006
8:19 am	Sometimes life is just good I've graded - yiiiiiiiiiiippppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! The worrying factor here is that I'm on too great a happy-buzz to write much.  This is the seventh time I've tried writing this second line.  The notion that i'm actually making up ground in salsa after missing so much in the way of lessons shouldn't make me feel this good. It'd probably be rather depressing, were i able to think straight. I'm three days back into work (although the first one doesn't really count as the kids weren't in) after an obscene amount of holiday and i can't shake the feeling that I'm not expected to work as hard as I did last year.  And while there are admittedly three more (rather loud) students to return before the class reaches full numbers (being all of 10!), the hang-ups I had about doing this job seem to be entirely unfounded.  This of course is the point where i go grabbing every piece of wood or iron I can find in the room to atone for tempting fate so badly. Last night I finally made the pre-int class for the first time in about three months and aside from graunching shoulders (which rather worried the nurse i was dancing with), it went so smoothly it'd put an elven arse to shame.  It also appears that the friends I made early on have no inkling of how inferior to them I've been feeling after dropping behind.  Plus I've now scoured all but the last tattered remnants of shame from my soul; thanks in part to Oskar for phoning me mid-lesson and my not having sought out a less flamboyant ringtone - no doubt aided by my inceasingly infamous t-shirt and tonight's talk of me wearing false breasts at the weekends.  A mind can take only so much self-inflicted embarrasment before it stops caring. ... It's just occured to me that my going up a class means that I'll have even fewer free evenings now.  Opportunities to vegetate are rapidly dwindling to just Tuesday and Friday evenings plus the weekend - and then those tend to get swallowed up anyway.  Even when the Wednesday classes move out to the village of March, I suspect that I'll still go riding over there more often than not.  The thought of joining another club that danses on Tuesdays also appeals, though it is currently warring with the notion of taking up Hai-dong kun do. The problem is that salsa is sexy.  Especially now that the more attractive women are shedding a few inhibitions.  When dansing with BlackBeauty in particular, there's less space to be found between the two of you than the sides of a scotsman's wallet. I must up early however, to finish prepping for an art class tomorrow.  So I'll call it a night and wish you all every happiness. Wes hal Current Mood: enraptured (Comment on this)
Friday, September 1st, 2006
4:56 am	RANT Heaven forfend that there might be one bastion of intelligent and reasoned debate remaining in this benighted country! I made the mistake of turning on the radio to listen to Analysis on radio 4.  It was billed as a look at the changing perceptions of mens' role in society - so I was expecting some light anecdotal drivel from both sides, the usual self-degrading mutterings of Fathers 4 Justice on the subject and a witless reporter trying to creatively say that any sort of opinion on the matter was a long way off, with just enough pointless statistics to put me too sleep as I've been feeling shattered. Sleep is a long way off now.  After some 'independant public relations consultant' waffled a little bit about percentages of women entering paid employment versus men leaving the workplace to raise their families full-time (in the process insulting the intelligence of every life-form on the planet excluding amoebae and chavs), on comes the chairwoman/founder/head/spokesperson/some-such of WomenKind; a support network for women who have suffered from domestic abuse.  Fine.  Until she starts spouting off about how grown men cannot survive without women.  Apparently we need you to prepare our breakfasts, track down our car keys, clothe the children, pack their lunches, work the finances, buy the food and chop wood for the fire (really, her words)!  And if you have a spare moment, we men are unable to find our collective beer-guts with both hands.  *roll of eyes* Just the sort of thing, however irksome and narrow-perspectived, that I was expecting on the programme and given her cause, the majority veiw point she deals with on a day-to-day basis. But then comes the sucker-punch. And I admit I'm forced to paraphrase here -as I became rather insensate- 'And after this, at the end of the day, each man comes homes and beats his wife.'  That's every man.  All we live for is to be able to leave work safe in the knowledge that on our return, we will be able to pummel our spouses into bloody sacks of bruises and then throw our children against walls for good measure.  And she carried on in this vein, causing me to turn off.  Never before have I told the radio to fuck off - and I did do, out loud. Had I been sat in the audience listening to this, I'd have stood and walked out, apologising to those in my way and informing them that I was running late on my kid's nightly beating. But that's the thing; it wasn't in front of any audience, even if you assume that the (male) reporter was in fact there in the same room during her diatribe's recording.  What gets my goat (no doubt by this time also suffering from sexual molestation, three broken ribs and a shattered foreleg) is that she would never say these things in front of a live audience of any size.  There's the arguement that perhaps as a (presumably) one-time victim of domestic violence that she would not now be able to bring herself to speak before a group containing many men.  But I hope that even an all-female audience would find exception to her words.  And in my opinion, I doubt she has anything like enough courage in her convictions to express such opinions to anything resembling a live public. For my year at college, to many of the girls and young women at the Herefordshire Art College, I was known as Rob; the Scary One.  Between the CRC i attended being six miles from the county's three main campuses and the difficulties inherent in making conversation in a rock club, several of these women formed the majority of my interaction with the fairer sex.  And aside from the jokes and mock-postuering I could do to laugh it off, stop and think a moment about just what that moniker means.  I'm scary.  For them to find me scary, they must be afraid of me.  There are only so many ways to fear, as I can see and it all boils down to these two: "what might happen?"; and "what might it do to me?" And while the realisation that women around you fear what you might do or are capable of doing to them is quite bad enough, logical progression doesn't stop here.  Where have they gathered such an opinion of me?  Who could speak to them with enough authority to give me this reputation?  Their friends, my housemates.  So two women, living under the same roof as me, were afraid of me.  Now that hurts.  Add 'Ow-Am-Ya to that count, since he was often on edge around me for most of the year; that's half the people that lived with me for ten months, who didn't feel entirely comfortable in the place they called home.  Doesn't make the feeling an-y better, really. There is some scum in the world that finds it can only make itself feel powerful or controlling by enacting violence on those easily in range and who won't likely fight back.  The vast majority of victims do appear to be women and fortunately there are sources of support and encouragement for them.  It proves to each that they are not the only one, that what's happened to them cannot be all their fault.  I can only imagine that that's invaluable comfort.  But this woman from the radio appears to teach a subtly different message.  That all men are violent like the partners these women have escaped.  Her message to the vulnerable seems to me to be this; "You can never be safe." Think on that. Current Mood: cold (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 15th, 2006
3:12 am	Why you think the 'net was born? I have borne witness to one of Mankind's finest achievements; sesame-street with a parental advisory warning!! I went to see Avenue Q on Saturday with Gandrick, Dragonlady and allucius; the entire show is undiluted genius.  Watching the girls playing Lucy the Slut was no hardship either :)  It's shows like this one that make me wish I'd gone into theatre.  I am hoping to arrange a second trip soon, so if anyone fancies coming along then let me know.  And I apologise again to my fellow curry-goers that night for both my incessant singing and that t-shirt. I'm at a bit of a loss for what else to write, mostly because it's 3am, but also because everything else is a bit blah at the mo.  I still have no reference for clearance and the a-level results come out on Thursday.  I've been offered a years' work back at the school and I'm sorely tempted to take it up, earn some extra funds for uni and get myself more where I'd like to be. The decision boils down really to two questions: a) do I really think I can survive a year of teaching GCSE-age students with minds in single-figures; and b) can I face the shame of starting higher education at the same time as my baby brother? I'm off to sleep on the conundrum, although I suspect that my bed will prove more comfortable. Wes hal P.S.  "Everyone's a rittle bit lascist!" Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: trawling for AvenueQ soundtrack (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 1st, 2006
1:48 am	Can one ever be certain one's sane? If i could find a way, I'd offer each person I know a ride behind my eyes. I can think of no other way to be sure of knowing someone.  For all that I write here, it doesn't feel like i really create the insights i try to.  This whole lj began as a kind of self-inflicted therapy; attempting to give form, sense and order to the thoughts and feelings i had at the time.  And although I've meandered plenty and there's lots of long gaps between posts, it's never really moved beyond that function You'll have to forgive me; i'm shattered and annoyed and it's not a good combination.  Your alternative is to stop reading now.  And unless you go deleting me from friends' lists and browser histories, I'm just conceited enough to think that'll you'll probably be back to read this anyway. I've been let down on yet another uni reference.  With tonight the deadline for full applications, this means that the best I can hope for is a place through Clearance and a generous pinch of luck.  Part of me wants to just let my wyrd come to me, to throw myself into Fate's winds and let them make my decisions.  But i know that for me that would lead to me festering in a lea somewhere, chilled in the shadows of my own regrets. I've collected too many of those already - not least of which is allowing myself to stagnate for so long.  Fortune's been kind to me in truth.  It's presented me with one or two people in whom I will likely have a friend until my dying hour.  To my shame i've them slide away, hiding myself out of embarrasment in my own mistakes, only to compound those errors as each day it feels harder and harder to give that line a tug, for fear that it will fall away untethered. And whenever I let my mind rest unoccupied, I realise how alone I always feel.  Wherever I am and whoever I'm with, i'm sat there in my emotional full-plate on a tiny island, slowly building an army of agoraphobic phantoms.  Where I find the timber for the unceasing closet-extensions remains a mystery.  And it always feels that if anyone saw into this stygian darkness, they could never love what they found.  I frequently doubt that I could.  So instead I spend time surrounded by people being friendly and i'm the chirpy, happy, friendly person everyone sees in return; but between-times I always wonder how much of it's an act.  One group of mates once described me as 'evil incarnate with a smile'.  I often think they were right.  They claimed that it was because no-one could truly be so nice, but that the smile made it alright.  I not so sure. Does everybody go through life feeling this way?  Flip-flopping from feeling unworthy to feeling cheated of their just dues.  Perhaps I give people less credit than they deserve, maybe they have the strength to withstand it.  Perhaps it's my weakness that sets me apart. But for all that I hate to be alone, I value my solitude.  Feeling lonely and disconnected, I went for a walk tonight, hoping in some vague way that the world would throw me another favour.  But when I passed people, all i could think was how brazen they were to intrude upon my world.  As I wandered out of the city, all I could think was how much I wanted the kind of company that makes one feel special.  And yet three minutes later, as I watched the deer watching me while i strolled along the field, I don't know that I could have stood another living soul being there.  I'd have dearly loved to have carried a passenger along to ride pillion in my skull.  To have seen the way I see the world around me in the dusk light and to see how I think.  I have trouble believing that we can ever really know another person, we simply learn to better predict their reactions.  Perhaps that's what it is to know a person and that the sort of understanding I dream of is impossible.  So either I'm a greedy perfectionist, unsatisfied by what makes other people perfectly happy; or I'm incapable of the sort of mental intimacy from which future happiness stems.  Not an encouraging thought by any means. I know that if I pass up university, I'll regret it for the rest of my life.  I think being frank about that was a large part of my undoing with Red and the little one.  What I couldn't articulate back then (and perhaps didn't even see the need to) is that equally, there is a shard within me that will forever wish the three of us had become a family - that feels my destiny faced me last year and I turned away.  Lately I've felt the urge to follow them to Blackpool, to make a place for myself where part of my being tells me I should be.  But then I occupy my mind and later it occurs to me; should I be able to put those thoughts aside if the pull was so strong?  Or have I fought myself for so long that I don't know when to capitulate? Do I push those around me away just as they're getting close?  Of those among you who have heard my voice, how much do you actually know about me?  Not long ago I was part of a small circle happy and comfortable in each others' company.  Then this time last year, the world felt too much for me and I vanished from society.  I kept to myself and left my hair to grow long and my friends distant.  For over three months they weren't sure if I was even alive, and didn't try to call in case they found that I wasn't. Or am I too intense?  I live my day by compartments; the current task occupies all my energy and focus, whatever it may be.  In the classroom, every thought is on the lesson I'm teaching, with a book in hand I'm lost within the world it descibes, on the dance floor I know only the beat and the steps.  And when I think I'm in love, even the next task is endangered.  I sometimes worry that this level of concentration scares those around me.  I plunge in and sometimes push myself or others too hard, heedless of any side-effects.  I daresay this methodical single-mindedness seems rather obsessive and to most I'm likely as oddball as any of the pupils from work. In a week's time I mark three years since I came back from college and what have I gained?  A handful of people who my having known is beyond any kind of valuation, and a bit of time out in the real world (before retreating into education!).  Most likely it all amounts to about a year of activity, so all I need to do is explain away my having wasted twice as long in inactivity to a bunch of admissions tutors.  This may prove my downfall yet. Wes hal. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 30th, 2006
10:29 pm	The road to Nirvana. mr_nikolai's Past Lives V V V 983 BC: Roman Gladiator 759 AD: A soldier 1686 AD: A priest 'What were you in your past lives?' at QuizGalaxy.com (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 20th, 2006
9:50 pm	This one I had to share: Ten Top Trivia Tips about Mr_nikolai! There is no lead in a lead pencil - it is simply a stick of graphite mixed with mr_nikolai and water. Mr_nikolai is often used in place of milk in food photography, because milk goes soggy more quickly than mr_nikolai. Mr_nikolai was first grown in America by the grandmother Maria Ann Smith, from whom his name comes. If your ear itches, this means that someone is talking about mr_nikolai. Mr_nikolai can usually be found in nests built in the webs of large spiders! Mr_nikolai can smell some things up to six miles away! Neil Armstrong first stepped on mr_nikolai with his left foot. Ancient Chinese artists would never paint pictures of mr_nikolai! About 100 people choke to death on mr_nikolai each year. Mr_nikolai can live for up to a week without a head! I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem And worse, they're very nearly all true... Current Mood: amused (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 7th, 2006
12:55 am	Being original requires effort. Yoinked this from morgaine_le_fey.  Will write some more usual stuff when I have time. Two Words Meme 1. Yourself: temporarily misplaced 2. Your car: car? spits 3. Your Hair: brown, growing 4. Your mother: Hidden Master 5. Your father: beard, apeist :? 6. Your Favorite Item: a photo 7. Your Dream Last Night: was married... 8. Your Favorite Drink: by volume 9. Your Dream Home: my design 10. The Room You Are In: immpecably cluttered 11. Your Pet: eating machines 12. Your fear: dying unremembered 13. Where You Want to be in Ten Years: settled down 14. Who you hung out with last night: family zzzzzzzzzz 15. What You're Not: finished yet 16. Your Best Friend: ollipheist (MIA) 17. One of Your Wish list Items: bike leathers 18. Your Gender: inarguably male 19. The Last Thing You Did: breathe in 20. What You Are Wearing: jeans, boots 21. Your Favorite Weather?: cool summery 22. Your Favorite Book: can't decide 23. The Last Thing You Ate: ice cream 24. Your Life: on hold 25. Your Mood: fifty fifty 26. The last person you talked to on the phone: can't remember 27. Finish this sentence: any reward? II. Name ten of life's simple pleasures that you like most. Try to be original and creative and not to use things that someone else has already used. 01) under the sun on a motorcycle 02) dozing off drinking with mates 03) waking up when you're good and ready 04) feeling superior 05) childish games with attractive women 06) advancing plans to conquer the world 07) kicking back at the end of a day, feeling you made the most of it 08) uncivilised amounts of chocolate 09) a kiss that you've had to work for 10) knowing something's finished and out of the way III. Explain your LiveJournal name and its meaning. mr_nikolai - it's what my friend who persuaded me to start this, calls me. Current Mood: shattered Current Music: music melt thinky-thing (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 18th, 2006
2:15 am	I know full well these things are b-s... What Makes You ... Your Information Name: Gender: -----MaleFemale Results What makes you sexy? T&A What makes you pretty? Everything What makes you loveable? How loving you are What makes you fun? Your sense of adventure What makes you irresistable? Your hugs 100.00%Just how great are you? free polls | free ringtones | free surveys ...but sometimes you just can't care :) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 16th, 2006
2:44 am	It is a bad idea to remain awake all night. So i'll bid you all good night. Current Mood: awake (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006
8:13 pm	Into this life we're born/ Riders of the storm... Is it just me, or do storms have an aire of romance to them? The rolls of thunder and sheets of rain that bombard the windows speaks to me of curling up with someone, with a large blanket across our combined shoulders. Though admitedly the desciptors I've used make the whole scene sound more like an ad for wallpaper. >.< It's also one of the few situations in which a fireplace/stove appeals to me. Who said an Iminir can't have a sense of the aesthetic? Wes hal PS. don't ask me what the deal is with the date-stamps on my two previous posts. I wrote them on the 6th of May, so go figure. And I was doing *so* well. Current Mood: mellow (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 27th, 2006
9:20 pm	I tried to write something interesting.... ....And then realised that I don't know what that means! Instead I've elected to write the usual nonsense and hope that goes down well. So let us start with the gripes. No reply to any emails regarding my future, except for one from UCAS that appears to contradict itself. The Order of the Stick has gone to having only two updates a week.  My wad o' cash still has not been handed over.  I've discovered that soft gel saddles are not at all soft when one cycles twenty miles on a bike you've not ridden in over a year and a half.  And I'm becoming less and less confident about the TA's job i applied for yesterday, which is silly as I've worked at a higher level than they're asking for, so I'm getting annoyed with myself.  It's the lack of qualifications that's gonna cause the problem. But let's look at the happy things, turning our backs upon my sorrows and hoping that they won't sneak up and strangle us all.  No, don't look behind you, we don't want them to know we're on to them... I got a lie-in this morning, which given the heat is unusual.  With the sudden warm spell, I was expecting the usual three-day headache as my body tries to adapt to summer's approach.  So far that's only happened when I opened the conservatory up after a full day in the sun.  Thursday was a nice temperature round about the witching hour, I'll have a summer like that please and those shiverers be damned! After listening to Mitch Benn and co, I got up laid some more of the crazy-paving path out front before the sky-water besieged the house.  Since then I've mainly been surfing online.  Well, I say surfing, really I mean paddling in the shallows of those sites i'm familiar with. While filthy lucre will be tight for the next couple of weeks, if I'm careful I should still be able to feed my addiction.  The cost of each class goes up by a pound as of Monday and I've just got myself bumped up to the launching-on-Wednesday pre-intermediate class, so that's now three nights and around twenty-five quid of my week stolen from me by my inability to not enjoy it. With luck, I'll also be able to afford to spend next saturday night taking one of my LARP characters to London, where he will be able to start manipulating others to his own advantage on a national level, ready for this year's big national game the weekend after. The small furry overlords (I mean, gerbils) are rapidly working their way through an entire red cabbage - it's even worth being stroked for (on occasion).  That' s me stroking them, obviously, not the other way round.  Although they do become fascinated with my hair and whether they can pull enough of it over my eyes that I won't see their latest bid for freedom (providing of course that this freedom contains full food-bowls). And it's just struck me exactly how little I am actually doing with my time of late.  I reckon I'll have to find some new things to get up to once the monies are rolling in again. In the mean-time, I'm going to go find some dessert, mix up some green stuff and try my hand at a little sculpting. Wes hal Current Mood: chipper (1 Comment |Comment on this)
9:19 pm	Notice how I've discovered site linking? *absurdly proud chest-swelling* It took me a few attempts to get it to work without lj freezing, though. Current Mood: accomplished (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 26th, 2006
4:36 am	Have at you!! *sprinkles salt on the pile of ashes that were Lord Lawson* Sorry, oskar.  Been reading back through past comments and I needed some way to start this entry.  And there weren't any wounds left to go rubbing at ;D Dunno that there's much to say.  Recent weeks have seen the usual round of bickerings, misunderstandings and petty grievances among my mates - I sometimes wonder if it all happens just to assure me that the world isn't always changing. People will have to forgive me if this entry seems a little stilted.  Is stilted the word I'm looking for?  Uneven.  Moving at an off-kilter pace.  Stilted'll do.  At any rate, there's a few things I should be writing here about how I'm feeling that would explain why I've been so distracted of late.  I might find a home for them elsewhere in this empyrean for them; it'll depend on how much longer they bug at me. Leastways, I'm back in the black for the instant.  An investment payout's thirteen months overdue and counting, but at least that's a guaranteed amount.  I got a little money helping v and his brother finish some house-painting, but it did involve me being at gable-height, on scaffolding that had no brakes, with all of a heartfelt prayer for safety gear.  Obviously I hadn't spotted that the brakes weren't on before I went up top, but that did get sorted prior to the wind picking up, thank gods.  Word to the wise - don't let V go moving about willy-nilly on lower decks when leaning out over nothingness.  It takes a few years out of one! That's done with though and with luck, I'll be going back to the assembly lines for an old employer soon.  Okay, it's not what I want to be doing really, but it's work i've proven I can do, it's not alcohol-related (unless it gets stressful!) and my Fridays will be free from noon.  The early starts to arrive on time will be a pain, but the last time I worked there was over winter and I never saw the sun beyond the weekend - which was infinitely worse. Still nothing from the Uni's, but I've sent another round of e-mails out in hopes of responses.  The prospect of being five years older than most peeps there, ain't exactly appealing but looks to be looming ever-closer.  It feels like life's in station-keeping at the sec, I just want to be moving toward something meaningful again.  The foundation degree from the Environment Agency came to naught, but they were good enough to encourage me to keep trying.  With a little luck, this olympic bid malarky in London will encourage the realms of academia to take on a few more prospective engineers this year.  We'll see. With little to speak of in terms of work, my financial endeavours are pretty much limited to curbing my salsa-addiction.  Yep, still can't kick it.  It's nice to have another circle of people to talk to if nothing else.  If I'm honest however, the dancing just gives me a buzz.  Admittedly, when it comes to leading freestyle, that buzz comes from the adrenaline of unadulterated terror on my part as I realise that I can't remember all the plans I was concocting over days for just that exact moment.  But the rest of the time, it gives me a real sense of achievement.  Until I left the comfort of primary school, I was only embarassed when it came to sports (being slow, uncoordinated and rotund) and girls (as a result of the sports).  Then I became far more self-conscious and less extrovert, becoming convinced that my talents lay as far from being attractive qualities as it was possible to get. Even though I got over much of that fatalism in my last few years at school, my poor co-ordination continued to eat at me when I struck out for college.  Tutors insisting that I retained more information than any two of them, didn't help my self-esteem when I could see my peers knocking out chisels and rail-ends while I struggled to connect square between hammer and steel. So it's wonderful to have found something social that I have a knack for, especially when my parents used to think I was touched with Asbergers.  I probably don't look that social at times, sat at a table, scribbling in my notebook as I try to plan a start-routine so I've time to think ahead before the blind panic sets in.  Even if the compliments and encouragement are hollow sentiments, I am blissful in my ignorance and too pride-ful not to think that I'm better than many in my class. Considering I was stumped for things to say, I've written a fair old whack here.  Take care all, 'til I see you next. Wes hal Current Mood: peaceful (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 6th, 2006
2:48 am	You're all my best mate, you are. hic! I used to be a good boy. Honest. I never used to drink this much. Actually, that'sa bald-faced lie; I stopped drinking as much as I have tonight, for quite a long time and all.  I think I truly have had more alcohol (wahey! never can spell it right when sober!) in the past five days than I'd drunk in the preceding year combined!!!! Seems like an ample opportunity to clarify that right now. First off, an apology to Mogzy, whose friends' page will now likely contain an enormous entry, as I haven't figured out yet how to do the fancy link-y thing that stops me clogging up people's pages.  'Fraid that's the price of having me on the list.  Hope it's worth it. I curtailed my drinking to a bare minimum very soon after Red and I got together at the start of March 05.  TBH, I got monumentally drunk with Mace, The Fop and others, only to be persuaded by a friend of Red's that I should still go see her, this being the day after we admitted to each other how we felt.  And after I embarrassed myself as only a raging alcoholic can, I drank next to nothing from then on. There's been the occasional night containing more than two tinnies, notably when thrashing out forsaken packs with the_skoth.  And I admit - the first Thursday i went along to a salsa class involved a fair few pints, but beyond that it was rare for me to have more than a pint per week (much to the relief of both my GP and liver!) -As an aside; I've taken to going to salsa classes on both Mondays and Thursdays here in Peterborough.  Having 'graduated' to the next class, I'm using Mondays as a chance to keep in practise since i don't make much other time to otherwise.  Although I can't claim to have paid much attention to footwork et al when I did have more opportunity to practise - I was busy doing cardio-mental cartwheels and endless laps of honour in my head. At any rate, i've been having a half pint prior to each class for a very respectable measure of two units a week.  UNTIL TODAY! Well, to be accurate, it all started on Saturday.  It was my birthday on Friday (thank you to all who sent me messages, I probably haven't shown as much gratitidue as you deserve and I nearly forgot about it myself!  My family very hurriedly arranged a meal at East the floating eastern restaurant (which I heartily recommend by the way!) and i sorted a quick drink with Mace on the Saturday. You see, my 21st rather fell over itself.  I met up with a handful of friends in the evening for a night on the town, only for Red to ring not wanting to ask me to go back to hers.  I'd spent the day with her and the Tyke, but i was in love and that was all that mattered to me.  But I've checked back and harked on about that in an earlier post, so won't bore you with it now.  Have been thinking of them recently and how things might have been different, but i hope that's just because they've moved way up north as of the start of this month and right now they feel like the only worth-while thing i've ever been involved in.  Doesn't help that I don't appear to have become any better a person in the intervening time. (Looking back at the few intermittent posts I've made in the past twelve months, I realise that i can't honestly remember writing any of them.  And considering I feared i would die at one point, that's rather disconcerting.  The price of an immortality/invulnerability complex, i suppose) But back to the point of this story and I had gone for a drink with Mace and as it turned out, his girlfriend Normal (i'm sorry it's not a more mysterious pseudonym, but with the past being what it is that's a pretty major title).  The Bionic Woman had invited me on a night out for that evening, but i thought I'd be too tired in the end.  Essentially, i forgot just how weak-willed I am when it comes to the subject of alcohol.  Nett result is that I met up with her and we joined a couple of friends in another pub.  At this point i was truly roaring drunk; it felt like it was all i could do to stay sat on a stool and raise my pint to my lips.  Then I persuaded someone to buy me a glass of lemonade and from that point on I felt sober. I surely wasn't, but it felt like it.  We went on to our local 80s club and the booze continued to flow.  I wasn't the only one out celebrating my birth that night, which meant in the end that we didn't receive the promised bottle of champers, but that hardly stopped us.  I had a couple more pints, then i recall a couple of shots at some point (no-one joined me in those i notice!  For shame...) and we wound the night up with pitchers of Blue Lagoon and Black Russian.  By the time we were thinking (if that can apply to a half-dozen wasters) of leaving we were actually mixing the two cocktails into each glass!  It's probably foul, but at the time it tasted like pure paradise.  I kissed far too many people over the course of that night, including my first full snog with a man.  Can't remember any names, got no numbers, and I can't say that the poor guy did anything for me. Which led me to a revelation.......two actually.  One is that there's truly nothing in a kiss unless there's some spark of emotion between the two of you.  Secondly, the thought or prospect of sex no longer excites me.  I think I've said something similar before, although I can't be bothered to check back far enough to find it.  And I realise that since I first said it I've fallen in love, rediscovered passion and all the cliched phrases - but the appeals gone again.  That's not to say that women don't appear attractive to me any more, it's just that seeing so many strangers attempting to find themselves someone willing only highlighted to me the emptyness of such endeavours.  Sex to me, as amazing as it can be in the moment,  serves purely as affirmation of some kind of purpose in one's life.  And I've lived without such closeness often enough to know by now that if I have sufficient purpose, then i have no true need for love. Life just seems so much emptier without it, is all. Speaking of things we go without, Dewie and The Bionic Woman have lost Skipper.  I know he was an old dog when I first met him, but it's still sad to find he's gone.  He was put down in February though I only heard tonight.  I thought I should say though, lest some other person unwittingly say something when they're not too drunk to get upset.  Barney is hearty and well, however.  He and I spent a good while earlier playing tug of war; both with chew-toys and my hand, to look at the pink lines criss-crossing it.  If anyone knows a way to remove the after-taste of rubber ball, i appreciate them passing it on. But I'm getting ahead of myself here.  I slept through much of Sunday morning (big surprise there!) and went to see Gandrick and DragonLady, despite dnd being cancelled.  I am having an acute bout of senility this week, forgetting twice to take the birthday toffies they gave me home of at least eat them.  Their youngest got to them eventually - my own fault for leaving them by a computer.  Rizzin' razzin' ruffin' five-year-olds (in an appropriately mutley-esque voice)! Despite running a fever today and suffering from the latest weather-front that's building up to hit here (the joys of migraines), I was persuaded to pop a couple of painkillers and join several mates for a night out tonight (or Wednesday night, seeing the time).  Meant to leave the beer a bit longer than I did, but Bangla was offered and I found myself saying yes before my ears had really registered the question.  And regardless that the alcohol is wearing off and the whole mixing with medicine is beginning to get it's revenge, I'm glad I didn't miss it.  I meant to grab everyone around the table and make a big thank you there and then, but the night kinda ran away with me. Thank you all who came along, for a wonderful night.  It really feels like I've marked my twenty-second, which I appreciate even more after last year's non-event (that was admittedly all my own doing).  After the meal we went on to Yates', where fortunately no-one recognised me from my last foray there; which comprised me offering the doormen a fiver each to let me enter the pub with a christmas-cracker box taped up around my head so I could win a ten pound bet.  Perhaps this is why i don't drink much........ Any road, we discovered it was karaeoke night ther and they had a competition on.  Tempting as it was to engage in a bit of downtime larp, jasynnash didn't hang around to sit drunkenly singing along tothe words on all the screens.  If only the same could be said for the rest of us.  Mr Flibble (for those who have not seen him in Red Dwarf, he is a disheveled furry penguin hand-puppet with laser-eyes)  continued to play a major part in the evening's proceedings by molesting several women from under tables (as well as Dewie mid-way through the meal) and duetting with a very drunk me, to songs I didn't know but could feel the rythym of and see the words for.  When we found a free playlist and discovering that someone else was already due to sing Always Look on the Bright Side of LIfe, I persuaded Oskar (aka nikoliborsh that name-stealing imposter lol!) and allucius to join me in a rendition of the Time Warp from Rocky Horror up on stage.  Poor Oskar has never seen RHPS, i've since discovered, and decided to follow my inebriated lead in regards dancing along.  I have promised that he shall not be spared from the sublime torture of Richard O'Brien's masterpiece.  Discovered too late the admirable collection of Queen tracks - well there's always another night i suppose.  And with the utter confusion that resulted from my starting up Bohemian Rhapsody out of the blue (it's a tradition in Yates' on 22nds -I was too drunk to remember even stepping in ther the last one, though i do recall the singing as we didn't like the music they were playing), it is clear we will need the words if I'm to convince anyone exactly of the right order for the lyrics.  (Assuming I'm not proved wrong.) A few of my mates from my school days got in touch the other week.  Doubt it's of any real interest to anyone, this is more to remind myself that i promised to get in touch with them. Hope you're all having as good a time as I had last night.  Sorry it's so long.  I'm obvously back to full form (woe is thee!) P.S. it is now half five - morning all! Wes hal. Current Mood: sobering up yet still bouncy (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 30th, 2006
6:26 am	For I have looked upon true terror. "How is salsa supposed to make us more humane?" I kid you not, these words were spoken by one of the kindred! A full half hour of vampires learning salsa!! This will teach me to go watching the Horror Channel so late in the morning.  Admittedly, Vampire High is hardly close to the world of darkness, but i have decided that such a mix is simply beyond unholy!  Now i know that vampires are immortal (unaging, then, before the pedants revolt), but any form of plot beyond banal morality drains away -along with what little talent the actors once possessed- at an achingly slow pace.  Actually, for anyone struggling to grasp the ennui of the kindred condition, watching a double-episode of this show only to realise that dawn approaches and you must make it back to your casket before you turn to ash (ummm, i mean "haven't slept," obviously) might just bring it home to you. Just thought i'd share. Current Mood: cheerful (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 29th, 2006
2:50 am	a Clarification After the noises a few made following my last-post-but-one, it would appear that some desire an explanation as to why I write here.  This page, for me provides a substitute for that little padded room I'd otherwise want for - where I can attack the walls and scream bloody profanities if i so choose to.  Here it is that the vast majority of what irks or worries away at me, gets expelled.  It flows out of my mind, into the keyboard through my fingers and ends it's hold on me.  And once i'm free from it i can return to normal function. That said, I do not wish that to detract in any way from the vitriol below. I've had enough. Do i look like some kind of thrice-damned guardian angel??!  I obviously missed those ruddy great wings sticking out of me.  Nor am I a celestial ball of nuclear fusion (a star, for those slower on the uptake).  I am not a good person. What I am, quite frankly, is too soft. And I've had it up to fucking here with all this.  I am not here for your own personal self-gratification.  My purpose in life is not to catch you all and mop up when you make the same sodding mistakes over and again!  I've even oft-times forgiven those among you who have lost interest simply because I have someone important in my life - and i hope those i speak to take heed. I have a life that i want to live; and it does NOT consist of running around after varying numbers of you.  I've been spurned more than once for placing my friends above my loves - often at the same time that i'm dismissed by them for spending time with a woman i'm in love with. It's made all the worse because I take it all.  On Monday I gave up an evening of what I wanted to do for a friend that felt the need to talk to me.  Okay, no problem.  Tonight, when my only wish was to spend an evening away from all the muddled shit you seem to continually land yourselves in; lo and behold, up pops something else that only yours truly can possibly deal with.  And to top it all off, i concede and reason it out.  "Well, if Monday was a good enough reason then this surely is."  Get into robotics and build yourself something, 'cos I ain't doing it any more.  And while a few of you no doubt go throwing your toys out of the pram, I'm going to leave you all to it.  I've had my life's path drop from under my feet yet again and in part it's thanks to you.  I am not your mothers.  You should all be big and ugly enough to take care of things without me. For the most part, you do.  Why else do I only hear from any of you when there's a problem?  There's always something you want me to do for you and there's rarely a show of gratitude waiting for me at the end. My phone has just buzzed, announcing in an appropriately pitiful way, that I'm now 22.  Happy birthday to me.  Woop de fucking do dah. You can all go die in a hole. Just deal. Current Mood: Furious (5 Comments |Comment on this)
1:06 am	Praxis! (LJ) by twirlandswirl Username Clan Personal Status 7 City you claim Gainesville Seneschal the_skoth Harpy jennywren2 Sheriff sleepdoesnothin Keeper morgaine_le_fey Scourge samantha86 Percentage of supporters: 83% How many months will it last? 79 Quiz created with MemeGen! This will mean more to some than others....but it made me laugh. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
8:22 pm	I've screwed up.  Again. When I left Mogz' on friday with the gerbils, i promised that i would phone at half seven saturday evening.  And I didn't.I think at the time I think i was telling V all my worries as we returned from the beer-run, having met him when he finished work to have a couple of tins with him and his fiance, Selleen at their place.  Having a shit sense of the passage of time, i thought, "ooh, must be about half seven, time to ring."  No, it was fucking half-past midnight, wasn't it!  Completely forgetting that her mobile's bust (and has been for probably months now, for all i can keep track of things), i sent a text -the reasoning being that she was either be asleep or trying to, so ringing the house phone would only annoy her. Sunday vanished in a maisma as i completely lost myself in playing Bloodlines on V's computer for the early hours.  Forgot to even go to sleep myself over saturday night.  I spent a bit of time attempting to help Selleen with her new character for the requiem larp, went with her to recover some of the clothes they had left behind at their old house, then chatted briefly with Oskar after he returned from his weekend in London.  I completely forgot that I was supposed to be playing dnd (yes, i'm still that sad) with Gandrick, Dragonlady and co. until they sent a text to check i was still good for starting in an hour (it being the better part of two hours walk from where i was).  Gandrick kindly drove over to pick me up, which i'm sure was against doctor's advice as he'd been under the knife on Thursday.  Dragonlady was practically in tears over a Requiem issue and it felt like she was looking to me to find a way to make it all happy again.  I'm not yet 22 and all things considered, i've had a very sheltered upbringing; how in all the merry hells am i supposed to know what to do for fucks sake?! Anyway, she didn't really have the heart to play and i had my character acting in a very self-destructive manner, irrespective of Dave's hexing the dice i was using.  "Yes, I shall distract the entire dwarven army, some ten thousand strong, from the prescence of my invisible friends by running out of the illusion's effect, charging into the army's core and leaping over the serried ranks of short bearded ones protecting the casket of their vampiric master."  Admitedly it was very cinematic; the dwarves forming a shieldwall in expectation of my charge, only to see the beserk human soar over their heads at a speed they could never hope to match.  Discovering the casket to be the entrance to an extra-dimensional space, however, meant that my character was faced with a leap into the unknown or certain death at the hands of many thousands of enthralled runts.  By rights he should have died in that portal and i was kicking myself repeatedly at that point.  But gandrick hates to kill a player's character, so my barbarian was mind-controlled into returning to the besieged town we were defending to kill the only spellcaster with any skill.  The wizard could have killed all the PCs on his tod, but caught by surprise he received a greataxe to the head.  Normally doing about 15 points of damage to a target, the attack proved to be a critical and the magic axe let out a thunderclap that liquified everything above the wizard's shoulders (Gandrick stopped rolling the damage when the total passed 40-odd). Yesterday started with a chorus of 'no-work-yet's from all the agencies i've been signing up with in an attempt to find a job.  I got so pissed off that i went back to bed.  i soon got back up, cleared the last of the mess left from the fitting of the new doors for the lounge and treated the gerbils to some bread-crust that had flaked off my lunch.  They spent a good while sat on my hand alternately grabbing bread and considering whether or not my arm was safe to climb.  Remus bailed out once onto my wrist, while Peter decided that snacks were too important to even think of anything else.   Then I went to salsa, with rather mixed results.  I hoped to see Mogz there, but she hadn't gone to the early lesson for better dancers that she had talked about doing.  Having not been to a class for four weeks (and boy did it show when i tried to dance at a recent evening out), I still stayed and i'm glad i did.  i had been due to move up a class, but then we kept finding reasons not to go and i felt too out of practise to do the improvers lesson.  The lesson was mostly on refining technique and style, which meant they'd only added a single new step to the routine since last i went along.  It helped a bit (though i'm sure that with muscle-memory being so slow for me, i won't remember the little nuances), but the main bit of interest was the primer class that's on saturday for those ready to move up to the next respective group.  I felt so dry by the end that i stopped for another drink and chatted with some of the others.  It wasn't until everyone was leaving that i realised that Jewel (works at a jewellers), with two kids and a husband who's just run of with a barmaid, was trying to hit on me.  Virtually my every sentence must have been about Mogz and i and our dancing exploits!  Does that sound like i'd be the least bit interested in anyone else?!?!  Her friend egging her on at kicking-out time was the first i knew of it and i'm not convinced that, "I'm going out with the person i love," actually filtered through.   I elected to walk the hour home rather than get the bus.  My mind gods-alone-know-where, i passed the turning i meant to take and found i was walking the route mogz takes home from college.  So i carried on and swung by past her place on the off chance she was awake and downstairs.  There looked to be someone about, and you can call me a coward or anything else you like, but gut feeling told me not to go knocking.  It was probably her seeing kenshin off for all i know.  So i carried on home, got here about twenty past twelve and went straight to bed. Today's again brought no joy job-wise.  Cash is getting tight again and i've developed the habit of judging my worth to people in terms of what i can do for them - money making that far smoother.  I always used to rail against such idiotic points of veiw, but i suppose with the feeling that i've effectively wasted the last three-and-a-half years, i'm just becoming a hypocrite. Currently sat here hoping Mogz wil reply to the last email i sent her.  Assuming I don't hear from her tonight, i'll prolly take a walk in a few hours. Wes Hal Current Mood: infuriated with myself (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 11th, 2006
1:16 am	Has anyone seen these months? Answering to the names of February and January, any information as to their wherabouts or what happened to them would be greatly appreciated. I mean it. I have absolutely no clue as to where this year has vanished to. I can remember buying crimbo presents....and i've only just recalled what i did for New Year, but the rest since then has become a blur. There was a birthday; a salsa competiton (improvers, my arse); and helping two friends move out of their old place. And to have done sod all else in the intervening time feels like a complete waste, especially given that I intend to head for uni this autumn. Oh, i've finally sold Deathtrap. For anyone who never met it, he was an irrascible bastard of a bike that oft-times tried to be the end to me. Call me sentimental, but what with him being my first bike and all, i was really sad to see him go. More so because it meant he'd won - i never did get him running properly again after that trip to the coast. I'm feeling rather out of it atm. By it, i mean everything. I'm seeing very little of my friends outside of the requiem larp group and days are actually seeming shorter than when I was working full-time at the school. I guess i'm just foundering more than anything. And with my 22nd rearing it's ugly head in the near distance I want to feel i've achieved something, before i reach the traditional "That's a quarter of my life gone, that is." pothole. My hair's almost grown long enough to all tie back without rogue elements tufting out; i'm sure that shouldn't really lift my spiritsas much as it has, but i'm glad to have alitle positive something to put in what otherwise looks like a droning self-pity entry, when all I wanted to do was update. Two gerbils are now warmly ensconsed in my bedroom. Mogz's smallest darlings now have a new home. They're in the same cage, as we plonked them in it over a week ago, but they weren't best pleased to have their add-ons taken away for the journey. Peter in particular was scrabbling at the stopper the moment their wheel-room (which won't go round due to the sheer mass of shredded paper they've stuffed in there) was removed. Remus appears to be content with anything, so long as he has bars to gnaw on. They're both a bit subdued tho, i reckon they just miss the mogzy. I do too, truth be told. I dunno if it's not having spoken for near enough a week, or if i'm being weird without realising and she's reacting to that, but she seemed somewhat distant when i went round this evening. I'm kinda hoping it's just that she's real tired, although i ain't certain that that'll be any easier to make better than any other problem would be. Any road, I hope all who read this are having a good time at the second, hugs to all that aren't. Catch y'all later. Wes Hal Current Mood: uncomfortable (2 Comments |Comment on this)